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@magpie_in_aus said in Back for more!:
Her stress levels have dropped off now as less on her plate but still creates stress out of nothing. Im feeling resentment and planning a hard conversation this weekend to seek help (who knows I may be told to do the same which is fine) because im not here to make you feel better if you aren't actively doing things to change the situation. Of course a relationship is about support but there comes a limit.
My heads been in a spin because obviously her mental health isn't 100% and after 11 years you care a lot about each other but I dont want to get a few years down the track and be married with kids and be like 'fuck nothings changed and now we have kids together'. We generally get on well but yeah.It's no doubt going to be hard to do, but if you don't have the hard conversation now, imagine how much you'll resent her down the track if the behaviour doesn't change. It's good that you're planning to have the conversation to help her, because at least it's a plan and if worst comes to worst, it won't be a complete surprise to her.
GL.
@antipodean said in Back for more!:
@magpie_in_aus said in Back for more!:
Her stress levels have dropped off now as less on her plate but still creates stress out of nothing. Im feeling resentment and planning a hard conversation this weekend to seek help (who knows I may be told to do the same which is fine) because im not here to make you feel better if you aren't actively doing things to change the situation. Of course a relationship is about support but there comes a limit.
My heads been in a spin because obviously her mental health isn't 100% and after 11 years you care a lot about each other but I dont want to get a few years down the track and be married with kids and be like 'fuck nothings changed and now we have kids together'. We generally get on well but yeah.It's no doubt going to be hard to do, but if you don't have the hard conversation now, imagine how much you'll resent her down the track if the behaviour doesn't change. It's good that you're planning to have the conversation to help her, because at least it's a plan and if worst comes to worst, it won't be a complete surprise to her.
GL.
That is the kicker aye - for those of us having detailed conversations in our heads it does feel like you are thinking it through and the various factors. With the empathy focus on your partner which has been really clear in all of our shared stories. It's about things being better for everyone.
But unless that stuff actually comes out it's news to our partners... I've also got a pretty introverted partner and I have been wondering if a letter might let me convey thoughts etc and offer her an easier, less pressured, way to digest it. Especially as the fits and starts approach can frame it like you're just having a tough period which we'll get through, rather than it being a genuine and ongoing issue in the relationship.
The missus does like a bit of time to think things through, and one of my biggest worries is how to get it all out in a coherent way so it doesn't just sound like a hostage letter from my libido!!
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@magpie_in_aus said in Back for more!:
Her stress levels have dropped off now as less on her plate but still creates stress out of nothing. Im feeling resentment and planning a hard conversation this weekend to seek help (who knows I may be told to do the same which is fine) because im not here to make you feel better if you aren't actively doing things to change the situation. Of course a relationship is about support but there comes a limit.
My heads been in a spin because obviously her mental health isn't 100% and after 11 years you care a lot about each other but I dont want to get a few years down the track and be married with kids and be like 'fuck nothings changed and now we have kids together'. We generally get on well but yeah.It's no doubt going to be hard to do, but if you don't have the hard conversation now, imagine how much you'll resent her down the track if the behaviour doesn't change. It's good that you're planning to have the conversation to help her, because at least it's a plan and if worst comes to worst, it won't be a complete surprise to her.
GL.
@antipodean said in Back for more!:
It's no doubt going to be hard to do, but if you don't have the hard conversation now, imagine how much you'll resent her down the track if the behaviour doesn't change. It's good that you're planning to have the conversation to help her, because at least it's a plan and if worst comes to worst, it won't be a complete surprise to her.
^^^ What he said @Magpie_in_aus - I don't exactly blame myself for my current situation, but I realise that not communicating about my needs* got me where I am.
*But then, look at the big fat fluffybunny I was in the photo earlier. When I snared that little fillly do you think I was going to open my chubby maw and complain? Nup. When you're on a good thing (literally) you shut the fuck up and don't rock the boat. Short term gain, long term pain in this instance.
One thing I have learned over the years is to identify when Aunty Flo is going to be in town, so that I'm not saying stupid shit (or pretty much anything
) during the week leading in, when emotions are fluctuating. Or the week when she's menstrual, and feels like shit. Or the week after, when she's ovulating and its a good time to bring up a root... 
OK so I don't think there is EVER a good time to have a conversation with your life partner that can be deemed anything other than outright criticism, or will fuck your life up in other ways.
As long as you make it utterly clear that it comes from your concern, and that you're not sorry for sticking up for how you feel, then that's your best angle I think. The big blowup she had a couple of weeks ago eventually turned out like that.
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@magpie_in_aus said in Back for more!:
Im not often down but missed out on a dream role with a US company flying around speaking at conferences, would have been perfect transition into what I want to do and potentially life changing money (like 100's of thousands or more). Got to the final round. Had put in so much work. Misses was away and when I told her I got a 'oh that sucks oh well'. I know it sounds a bit bitchy but fuck that annoyed me. I literally spent the whole weekend just pissed off.
Mate I am right there with you. That is fucking poor from her, but clearly there is some underlying shit she can't see past in those situations, and I think that communication is a large piece of breaking that down.
When I first expressed my concerns about erectile dysfunction to the wife, she just said "Yeah well, women have to deal with all sorts of shit with our bodies!" :angry_face: Yeah I know that, and you still haven't learned how to anticipate it and deal with it and make our lives easier.
There have been other times where it is like she's trying to sympathise, but failing utterly. The complete lack of compliments about my new physique - when I'm getting them at work regularly - is just another in the long list of "my mother's dementia trumps anything you've got".
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@paekakboyz said in Back for more!:
The missus does like a bit of time to think things through, and one of my biggest worries is how to get it all out in a coherent way so it doesn't just sound like a hostage letter from my libido!!
Women in our societies are conditioned that men are the initiators. Women who initiate sex/are promiscuous are sluts, apparently, even if they're in a committed relationship (tell that to Mrs TA after a bottle of wine or a night out with her friends!
)Add to that the layer of expectation about being power women, juggling work and kids while looking like a supermodel and other shit, and I fully accept they feel like they're pulled in all directions.
What they lack is perspective on living in "the now". Tomorrow's work meeting or medical appointment doesn't matter. We're in bed, together, and the fucking kids / dog / neighbours are asleep, so let's make time for each other. Doesn't have to be full blown monkey sex (tho it'd help), but it needs to be without any other bullshit floating around.
We're simple creatures, yes, but we're not idiots.
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On the topic generally: there's a guy at work I catch up with every week for coffee, and we trade stories, ideas, and strategies for dealing with shit at home. He's got a bit of anxiety like me, and once he found out I had similar issues he thought it a good idea. It is.
Anyway at one point he was having a chat to his wife (who is quite tidy), and admitted that, in his anxiousness, he thought she was having an affair. She stopped and gasped "but I'm fat and ugly!"
No matter what we think of them, they won't believe us.
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I recently found the 'segments' thing on Strava, but probably as I dont run on 'normal routes' much for it to be useful, it mostly only compares my best times.
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I recently found the 'segments' thing on Strava, but probably as I dont run on 'normal routes' much for it to be useful, it mostly only compares my best times.
@taniwharugby said in Back for more!:
I recently found the 'segments' thing on Strava, but probably as I dont run on 'normal routes' much for it to be useful, it mostly only compares my best times.
the fucking segments thing is the worst, especially when you get heckle from a mate who did them quicker than you.
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@taniwharugby said in Back for more!:
I recently found the 'segments' thing on Strava, but probably as I dont run on 'normal routes' much for it to be useful, it mostly only compares my best times.
the fucking segments thing is the worst, especially when you get heckle from a mate who did them quicker than you.
@mariner4life ha I haven't had that yet, most of the people I follow, we seem to run on quite different routes
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Sorry hijacking the fitness thread again.
Had a pretty deep and meaningful with lots of tears. Was pretty civil shes going to take action on finding someone for professional help. Lots of other shit discussed.
One of the biggest things which I 100% understand and we are both at a kind of standstill with.Providing/security. I have been trying to crack different entreprenuerial ventures over the last few years. This in the past has turned cashflow from my end of the relationship pretty unpredictable. I started a physio clinic in the meantime out of my GP friends clinic to provide a boost in cash flow. This has helped but I still put a bit into my side hustles that I want to turn into full time business. Put a shit load of work into it over the years (lots of learning particular in the online space).
She wants security and I understand that (currently we both earn about the same) particular to buy a place/start a family.
My problem is I don't love being a physio and its a means to an end. Basically said if my side hustle doesn't work my back up is being unhappy in my career.....if I was to retrain again wouldn't provide security etc. I genuinely feel at times from chasing my dreams i've held her back which makes me feel guilty.She doesn't want me stuck in a role I would hate. Also she said she feels like we have drifted apart due to the career paths being so different etc.
First step is her to talk to someone. We are going to re-evaluate in a couple of months (and keep talking). Hopefully the writing isnt already on the wall and we are both to scared to pull the trigger.
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Sorry hijacking the fitness thread again.
Had a pretty deep and meaningful with lots of tears. Was pretty civil shes going to take action on finding someone for professional help. Lots of other shit discussed.
One of the biggest things which I 100% understand and we are both at a kind of standstill with.Providing/security. I have been trying to crack different entreprenuerial ventures over the last few years. This in the past has turned cashflow from my end of the relationship pretty unpredictable. I started a physio clinic in the meantime out of my GP friends clinic to provide a boost in cash flow. This has helped but I still put a bit into my side hustles that I want to turn into full time business. Put a shit load of work into it over the years (lots of learning particular in the online space).
She wants security and I understand that (currently we both earn about the same) particular to buy a place/start a family.
My problem is I don't love being a physio and its a means to an end. Basically said if my side hustle doesn't work my back up is being unhappy in my career.....if I was to retrain again wouldn't provide security etc. I genuinely feel at times from chasing my dreams i've held her back which makes me feel guilty.She doesn't want me stuck in a role I would hate. Also she said she feels like we have drifted apart due to the career paths being so different etc.
First step is her to talk to someone. We are going to re-evaluate in a couple of months (and keep talking). Hopefully the writing isnt already on the wall and we are both to scared to pull the trigger.
@magpie_in_aus Can be daunting to think about: leaving after that long as a couple. Like a long-term job in a way, with the outside world looking scary, and questioning whether you can cut it after so long in the same place.
But you've started the conversation about what you both want, or feel like you're not getting, and that's what matters.
FOMO can be a big issue, particularly with the security of income angle. I know people who just go from job to job and some how make it work, even if they're out of action for a while. I have not out been out of employment since I was 21! Neither has the wife, and she's utterly fucking paranoid of either of us leaving a job and potentially not getting another one.
When I was coming up to Long Service Leave (10 years) I said to Mrs TA I would be quitting the company because they'd been shitting me for the last few years, and I'd had enough. She was mortified.
I'd like to try side hustles, particularly in my chosen area of energy and renewables, but until the kids are out and maybe a relative dies and leaves us a pile of cash as a buffer, that isn't really an option.
I say run with it - while being 100% happy isn't something I believe is possible, at the very least you need to have clear air to run your own race, and not be doing it for some other fluffybunny's performance review. Particularly where they're a dunce.
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wow @Magpie_in_aus that's serious if you are feeling like that. I honestly don't know how i would handle it if i had doubts about the future.
My best mate went through a real rough patch a couple of years back. Real bad. And i had to ask him if staying together is what he really wanted. When he thought, and responded "yes, definitely" then it sort of focused his mind on making that the priority over the side stuff.
Best of luck mate, sounds like a serious couple of months ahead. Shout out to us if you need a place to vent, or even just to articulate your thoughts.
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@Magpie_in_aus - what @mariner4life and @NTA have said :thumbs_up:
Good on you bro, no doubt that was a hard conversation to have. At the very least you've cleared the air and are finding out the really important things and drivers in your relationship. All the best and definitely hollah at ya boys if you need to yarn.
NTA has been mighty generous in letting us gate crash his thread. Shot bro!!
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Body weight tonight was a bit different - I had Rugby club raffle tonight so limited time, therefore I put 60s time between each set, and 2 minutes between exercises.:
Chinups: 5, 4, 3
Neutrals: 3, 2, 2
Pull-ups: 3, 2, 1
Pushups: 15, 8, 6, 6, 5@nta Looking like visible progress Nick, that's always encouraging. Keep at it mate!
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Sorry hijacking the fitness thread again.
Had a pretty deep and meaningful with lots of tears. Was pretty civil shes going to take action on finding someone for professional help. Lots of other shit discussed.
One of the biggest things which I 100% understand and we are both at a kind of standstill with.Providing/security. I have been trying to crack different entreprenuerial ventures over the last few years. This in the past has turned cashflow from my end of the relationship pretty unpredictable. I started a physio clinic in the meantime out of my GP friends clinic to provide a boost in cash flow. This has helped but I still put a bit into my side hustles that I want to turn into full time business. Put a shit load of work into it over the years (lots of learning particular in the online space).
She wants security and I understand that (currently we both earn about the same) particular to buy a place/start a family.
My problem is I don't love being a physio and its a means to an end. Basically said if my side hustle doesn't work my back up is being unhappy in my career.....if I was to retrain again wouldn't provide security etc. I genuinely feel at times from chasing my dreams i've held her back which makes me feel guilty.She doesn't want me stuck in a role I would hate. Also she said she feels like we have drifted apart due to the career paths being so different etc.
First step is her to talk to someone. We are going to re-evaluate in a couple of months (and keep talking). Hopefully the writing isnt already on the wall and we are both to scared to pull the trigger.
@magpie_in_aus
without trying to sound like I have much expertise in this, it does sound from your posts that the issues you have are catalysts to your partner's behaviour. Her ways of dealing with things (and your reactions to that) would undoubtedly benefit from some form of counselling. It's not about some 'expert' having answers to fix things, it's all about finding the right person to draw out of you a personal understanding of your own behaviour so you can accept parts and reject others leading to change. I wish it was something I had done decades before I did.I can also support the example in M4Ls post. The wife and I came to that point where we seriously questioned the way forward (after 35 years) and decided that despite everything we really did want to stay together. That really helped drive changes.
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Back to me for a second
Ran 5km today in 28:23 - loaded up with last night's pizza binge, it wasn't much fun trying to guess if I'd shit myself halfway out.
Weigh in was notably rubbish at 98kg but fuck it, I'm part the point where the scales are anything but a measure of how hard it'll be to do chinups!
Chest: 114
Waist: 106
Hips: 108 -
Something a bit different tonight in the ad breaks:
5 chinups then 15 pushups
Repeat
5 chinups then 10 pushups
RepeatTotal of 50 pushups and 20 chinups
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@nta said in Back for more!:
Something a bit different tonight in the ad breaks:
5 chinups then 15 pushups
Repeat
5 chinups then 10 pushups
RepeatTotal of 50 pushups and 20 chinups
Ad breaks? On porn sites?
