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@MajorRage said in Happiness Scale:
I must say though, how much the roller coaster weekend has had my mental health swinging is something I need to look at. It's not healthy to go from utterly depressed on Friday night to over the moon Monday morning
it's late December 2020; don't beat yourself up about that. Everyone seems to be in a weird mental place at the back end of this year
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@MajorRage said in Happiness Scale:
Walk away when you want to walk away.
Well.... you've just described the last decade for me
Not sure the wife would understand
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
I could quit on $1M but not for that long. OK if the wife wants to keep working - and she probably will because she'd go mental if she didn't have work to go mental over.
dont tell her about the win then
Thats what this line of posting is about, you won a mill and after advice right?
We had a couple guys from work retire this year, in thier mid-50's.
One is missing it big time, but we never see him, the other reckons he is loving being retired but is in every week...
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@nzzp said in Happiness Scale:
Interesting. We don't really do performance pay, and a lot of that is because it's so damn hard to measure. One dude brought in a client that's been worth literally tens of millions to the firm over the last few decades. What's our conversation: what have you done for me lately? Also, we all know people who have been unfairly treated by managers - either positively or negatively.
THat said, the overall success of the business is performance pay in a roundabout way - just a collectivised version of it
We operate off salary with a bonus of up to 20% as an "Incentive". But it is flexible as shit IF you're in management, of course.
e.g. a few years ago I built a system that helped saved the business ~$10M a year, and tried to hang my hat on that, but got marked down because I was a bit grumpy every now and then.
Took the wind right out of my sails and, in my defensiveness, I wasn't smart enough to counter by asking them where in my regular 1on1 that was announced in the previous 6 months. Ultimately I gave them an easy way to save a few thousand off their budget so I had to wear that.However, at the same time I figured working for those fluffybunnies was not my thing, and put into action my plan to get to long service, take a solo trip to NZ, and then come back and tell them to shove it.
Fortunately my current role landed in my lap, and the culture has changed quite a bit in that regard, but ultimately it is still the Republic of Corporatania. People say I'm not necessarily part of the ExCo so can't see the big picture, but I've been doing this for 20+ years now, and am not a fucking idiot. I can see a land grab, and how certain incompetent people have burned too much money to be allowed to fail at this point without making everyone above them look bad.
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
We operate off salary with a bonus of up to 20% as an "Incentive". But it is flexible as shit IF you're in management, of course.
e.g. a few years ago I built a system that helped saved the business ~$10M a year, and tried to hang my hat on that, but got marked down because I was a bit grumpy every now and then.The more I think about it, the more this sounds like my sex life: you can do awesome things and anticipate a root, but ONE little comment and NO SOUP FOR YOU!
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
The more I think about it, the more this sounds like my sex life: you can do awesome things and anticipate a root, but ONE little comment and NO SOUP FOR YOU!
Given that this is a happiness thread you really need to find some way to change that.
My wife calls sex a misdemeanour - the more you miss de meaner you get - which is certainly true in my case, and she knows it is true for both of us.
Yes I have just become the piston wristed gibbon who's wife enjoys sex that was mentioned somewhere on here. Except that is a contradiction really. It shouldn't be some threat or reward and I have been in some relationships like that previously - they didn't last long.
Happy wife, happy life is my motto that I try and remind myself of regularly.
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@Snowy said in Happiness Scale:
Given that this is a happiness thread you really need to find some way to change that.
I've tried almost everything within the realms of possibility, and haven't received anything but grief for bringing it up. I get the usual reaction of "typical man just after sex", and of late (since her Mum's dementia) tears and fights and grief . Therefore I simply don't bring it up.
A female friend of mine asked if I'd suggested we do couples counselling, so that it doesn't just look like me asking for sex (like a crazed maniac, of course) but she won't even go see someone about the obvious issues around her Mum's impending loss.
In fact another therapist that I was seeing about work anxiety also suggested that, and seemed significantly concerned that she wasn't open to counselling for the grief or the couples thing.@Snowy said in Happiness Scale:
Yes I have just become the piston wristed gibbon who's wife enjoys sex that was mentioned somewhere on here.
piston wristed gibbon!
It shouldn't be some threat or reward
It isn't "used" like a punishment or reward. I am coming around to the opinion that sex does not sit very high on her priorities list.
Fuck it did the week I got back from NZ in 2017 tho. Things picked up significantly for a while there - absence makes the heart grow fonder etc. Makes me think I should do that again
Her ongoing willingness to kill herself for work, by contrast, is frustrating. In fact, I think a lot of her inability to discuss the issue relates to her work: because she's often the smartest person in the room 9-5, she's not used to hearing any form of dialogue that indicates she's not 100% right. Therefore, when I bring something to the table about my needs, she only sees criticism, and she's not equipped / mature enough to deal with that on its merits and look for a way forward.
And like a lot of women I know, she needs to be unhappy to be happy, so working excess hours fits like a glove.
(Yes I know that isn't all women, but these are the women I'm dealing with).
It makes me question the state of the relationship, to the point where it generates significant anxiety for me. But as I've told a couple of therapists: there is no point me paying you to give advice that can't be meaningfully implemented.
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Note I'm also VERY aware that this sounds like classic mid-life couple situation:
- husband starts feeling neglected
- wife doesn't want to hear about it
- husband starts ignoring her
- wife starts looking elsewhere for attention
- husband gets rug pulled out from under him
And I'm doing my best to keep the communication and attention flowing, but the one-sidedness of who initiates what is grating.
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
It makes me question the state of the relationship, to the point where it generates significant anxiety for me.
Yeah therein lies the problem. This is very personal stuff and I'm lucky that one of my wife's friends is a phycologist. I think she takes the few of - happy husband happy life. It goes both ways.
@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
I am coming around to the opinion that sex does not sit very high on her priorities list.
That's the thing, it shouldn't be a chore. I'm probably not helping here, but when it is regular, mutual and enjoyed the whole dynamic of the relationship becomes more equal, so it should be near the top of her list.
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
Note I'm also VERY aware that this sounds like classic mid-life couple situation:
- husband starts feeling neglected
- wife doesn't want to hear about it
- husband starts ignoring her
- wife starts looking elsewhere for attention
- husband gets rug pulled out from under him
And I'm doing my best to keep the communication and attention flowing, but the one-sidedness of who initiates what is grating.
This seems to be such a common thing and is really quite ridiculous on the part of the fairer sex. We men are generally simple creatures and if a semi-regular root is all that is required to keep us happy then shouldn’t that be a good thing? You get those shitty films, shows and books about frustrated wives but you have to wonder if they’ve got that arse backwards.
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@Rancid-Schnitzel said in Happiness Scale:
We men are generally simple creatures and if a semi-regular root is all that is required to keep us happy then shouldn’t that be a good thing?
Yes. Seems to be the attitude around here - and it works.
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@Snowy said in Happiness Scale:
I think she takes the few of - happy husband happy life. It goes both ways.
try reading the comments of anny article on social media where a husband wants more sex. it's actually fucking depressing. there appear to be a huge number of women out there who just don't think it's important. that their body is sacrosanct. and any man should be happy with whatever they are "allowed".
It's actually sad that these women don't seem to want to fuck their men any more.
"oh he needs to put in effort" which normally means "no not that effort, this other effort on top of all the other effort" while also ignoring the fact that constant refusal actually wears people down to the point where trying is too hard.
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@mariner4life said in Happiness Scale:
@Snowy said in Happiness Scale:
I think she takes the few of - happy husband happy life. It goes both ways.
try reading the comments of anny article on social media where a husband wants more sex. it's actually fucking depressing. there appear to be a huge number of women out there who just don't think it's important. that their body is sacrosanct. and any man should be happy with whatever they are "allowed".
It's actually sad that these women don't seem to want to fuck their men any more.
"oh he needs to put in effort" which normally means "no not that effort, this other effort on top of all the other effort" while also ignoring the fact that constant refusal actually wears people down to the point where trying is too hard.
To be fair in hindsight picking a partner who probably wasn't really into sex in the first place was on me. It is hard to realise at the time how important it is, and how attractive it is when someone willingly wants it and genuinely enjoys it. These days its probably just easier to self administer, but the personal connection is not there. I'm sure it would be the same if you resorted to an independent contractor as well
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I'm lucky i am pretty good in that area. but i know how it affects me when something gets in the way of it too (Mrs Mariner, bless her, does as well, and can see the signs) so i can't imagine how tough it is for the guys that are constantly blocked.
Of course there is a flip side where mates are getting heaps, but it's used as a smoke screen to hide a myriad of other more serious problems
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@mariner4life said in Happiness Scale:
It's actually sad that these women don't seem to want to fuck their men any more.
It really is.
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My wife is a massive Simpson's fan so we say this constantly.
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@Snowy said in Happiness Scale:
That's the thing, it shouldn't be a chore. I'm probably not helping here, but when it is regular, mutual and enjoyed the whole dynamic of the relationship becomes more equal, so it should be near the top of her list.
I hasten to point out that when it happens, it's very satisfactory for both parties. So why doesn't it happen more often?
Me looking like Jason Fucking Momoa isn't an option at this point, but then neither is her looking like Sofia Vergara.
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@Snowy said in Happiness Scale:
@mariner4life said in Happiness Scale:
It's actually sad that these women don't seem to want to fuck their men any more.
It really is.
Like someone said earlier, guys are generally pretty simple. A little attention and some bedroom gymnastics on a semi regular basis and most of us would be happy as. I had a mate who wanted to keep his wife (and family) and his bit on the side. She refused and he left. At the time I thought his request was preposterous, and I would never have asked. But these days I can't say the idea wouldn't appeal. I'd probably be happier.
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