Parenting
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@No-Quarter said in Parenting:
It's that he's just wayyyy too fucking over cautious. About everything, to the point that it has stopped him from doing fun things - he's still not that confident on his bike and doesn't really enjoy it because "what if I fall off Dad???".
that's my youngest. He's very anxious. It's why he is very slow to start new things. All he can think about is what can go wrong. He absolutely gets that from his mother. I just can't understand it, it's not how i am wired, and my eldest doesn't get it either. And i am sure i react incorrectly.
For instance, up at the lake on the weekend. Kids doing biscuit rides behind the boat. Eldest jumps in, and he's actively trying to throw himself around, despite never having done it before. The youngest? got in, but instantly said he didn't want to do it. I pretty much didn't give him a choice, and he fucking hated it, got off after one lap, and didn't get back in. Apparently just seeing it's safe wasn't enough
Then he told his mother that "dad made me do something i didn't want to do!" oops
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@ACT-Crusader said in Parenting:
In my view kids need to be challenged. They need opportunities to build resilience. They need hard lessons. But they also need to learn love and trust. More often than not it’s the little things done consistently that make the biggest difference. What those little things are different for each kid.
Upvote this! But also in a slightly different context.
Little things done consistently will create a framework of boundaries. Letting them know when they have overstepped those boundaries or are close to it and providing consequences when they have busted the boundary is a key. Also be prepared to adjust those boundaries out when trust is gained. Kind of like a dog
I'll refrain from the 'in my day' comments as I feel you guys seem to be dealing with a slightly different world that your kids are growing up in. I'm amazed at how young all of your kids are when you aren't that much younger than me!
We were quite lucky in that our son spent his younger years with his grandparents during the day and on the farm. You don't have much option but to just get on with things and listen to what you are being told in those circumstances.
Certainly can't say he was perfect. As they all do there were phases where you wonder what you have done to create a surly, lazy shit that has to be asked multiple times to do things but looking back it is just a growing up/hormonal thing.All I know is that we ended up with a kid that we couldn't be prouder of. Has his head screwed on (more than us) and has a great partner.
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@raznomore said in Parenting:
@canefan lol I have a neighbour who does this. The issue here is that their young son wails for as long as it takes for them to open the door and let him back in. So their problem has now become every other households problem.
It takes a village.....
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@ACT-Crusader That is a top post.
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@raznomore said in Parenting:
@ACT-Crusader That is a top post.
overachiever dad though, making us all look bad.
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@ACT-Crusader having 5 kids goes a long way to explaining his repetitive ongoing team selection Dad joke. The dude must be a fucking master at driving his kids insane with the same jokes over and over.
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@mariner4life said in Parenting:
@No-Quarter said in Parenting:
It's that he's just wayyyy too fucking over cautious. About everything, to the point that it has stopped him from doing fun things - he's still not that confident on his bike and doesn't really enjoy it because "what if I fall off Dad???".
that's my youngest. He's very anxious. It's why he is very slow to start new things. All he can think about is what can go wrong. He absolutely gets that from his mother. I just can't understand it, it's not how i am wired, and my eldest doesn't get it either. And i am sure i react incorrectly.
For instance, up at the lake on the weekend. Kids doing biscuit rides behind the boat. Eldest jumps in, and he's actively trying to throw himself around, despite never having done it before. The youngest? got in, but instantly said he didn't want to do it. I pretty much didn't give him a choice, and he fucking hated it, got off after one lap, and didn't get back in. Apparently just seeing it's safe wasn't enough
Then he told his mother that "dad made me do something i didn't want to do!" oops
It's hard to know what to do. I took the approach of just forcing him to do shit, with the view that once he actually did it he'd realise how fun it was. That has backfired many times.
When he was four we had an incident at Movie World on the Gold Coast. I made him go on the log ride with me as there didn't appear to be any age or height requirements. I figured I'd get him all geared up for the final drop during the initial stages where you float around and he'd end up having a blast.
Little did I know that on this particular log ride half way through it puts you into a dark room, turns you backwards, and shoots you down a significant drop at speed. He was fucking petrified after that (understandably so it was pretty intense), and then didn't trust me when trying to get him to do anything else. Funnily enough we were at Rainbows End a year later and he was refusing to go on the (far more gentle) log ride there, and there was another woman with her son who was the same, and she had traced it back to that exact same log ride at Movie World as well.
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@No-Quarter said in Parenting:
@mariner4life said in Parenting:
@No-Quarter said in Parenting:
It's that he's just wayyyy too fucking over cautious. About everything, to the point that it has stopped him from doing fun things - he's still not that confident on his bike and doesn't really enjoy it because "what if I fall off Dad???".
that's my youngest. He's very anxious. It's why he is very slow to start new things. All he can think about is what can go wrong. He absolutely gets that from his mother. I just can't understand it, it's not how i am wired, and my eldest doesn't get it either. And i am sure i react incorrectly.
For instance, up at the lake on the weekend. Kids doing biscuit rides behind the boat. Eldest jumps in, and he's actively trying to throw himself around, despite never having done it before. The youngest? got in, but instantly said he didn't want to do it. I pretty much didn't give him a choice, and he fucking hated it, got off after one lap, and didn't get back in. Apparently just seeing it's safe wasn't enough
Then he told his mother that "dad made me do something i didn't want to do!" oops
It's hard to know what to do. I took the approach of just forcing him to do shit, with the view that once he actually did it he'd realise how fun it was. That has backfired many times.
When he was four we had an incident at Movie World on the Gold Coast. I made him go on the log ride with me as there didn't appear to be any age or height requirements. I figured I'd get him all geared up for the final drop during the initial stages where you float around and he'd end up having a blast.
Little did I know that on this particular log ride half way through it puts you into a dark room, turns you backwards, and shoots you down a significant drop at speed. He was fucking petrified after that (understandably so it was pretty intense), and then didn't trust me when trying to get him to do anything else. Funnily enough we were at Rainbows End a year later and he was refusing to go on the (far more gentle) log ride there, and there was another woman with her son who was the same, and she had traced it back to that exact same log ride at Movie World as well.
That's funny the backfiring bit. When I was between 6 and 10 we were fishing out from Whangamata and a great big shark started circling our boat. I was petrified and dad casually said it's ok and he could go swimming if he wanted to.
Well that set me right off as all I could picture is Dad being eaten by a shark. I was inconsolable and we had to go back in. Kind of ruined the days fishing for him I imagine.
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@No-Quarter said in Parenting:
@mariner4life said in Parenting:
@No-Quarter said in Parenting:
It's that he's just wayyyy too fucking over cautious. About everything, to the point that it has stopped him from doing fun things - he's still not that confident on his bike and doesn't really enjoy it because "what if I fall off Dad???".
that's my youngest. He's very anxious. It's why he is very slow to start new things. All he can think about is what can go wrong. He absolutely gets that from his mother. I just can't understand it, it's not how i am wired, and my eldest doesn't get it either. And i am sure i react incorrectly.
For instance, up at the lake on the weekend. Kids doing biscuit rides behind the boat. Eldest jumps in, and he's actively trying to throw himself around, despite never having done it before. The youngest? got in, but instantly said he didn't want to do it. I pretty much didn't give him a choice, and he fucking hated it, got off after one lap, and didn't get back in. Apparently just seeing it's safe wasn't enough
Then he told his mother that "dad made me do something i didn't want to do!" oops
It's hard to know what to do. I took the approach of just forcing him to do shit, with the view that once he actually did it he'd realise how fun it was. That has backfired many times.
When he was four we had an incident at Movie World on the Gold Coast. I made him go on the log ride with me as there didn't appear to be any age or height requirements. I figured I'd get him all geared up for the final drop during the initial stages where you float around and he'd end up having a blast.
Little did I know that on this particular log ride half way through it puts you into a dark room, turns you backwards, and shoots you down a significant drop at speed. He was fucking petrified after that (understandably so it was pretty intense), and then didn't trust me when trying to get him to do anything else.
Wow I had a real flashback reading this. I went to Movie World about 20 years ago, and really have no memories of it.
But reading the post I now distinctly remember going on that log ride, and the backwards drop being terrifying. So I totally understand your sons feelings on that one!
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@Crucial TR Jnr has spent the last couple of school holidays working on my Aunty's farm, earnign some money. Working on a farm is somethign all kids should experience!
My cousin (Sharemilker on above farm) also lets him drive an old Suzuki Jimmy on a metal road (supervised) so thats one job I was never looking forward to anyway haha
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@taniwharugby said in Parenting:
@Crucial TR Jnr has spent the last couple of school holidays working on my Aunty's farm, earnign some money. Working on a farm is somethign all kids should experience!
My cousin (Sharemilker on above farm) also lets him drive an old Suzuki Jimmy on a metal road (supervised) so thats one job I was never looking forward to anyway haha
At an early age the main thing kids learn in environments like that is that the world doesn’t revolve around them. They have to go along with whatever the adults are doing and find a way to enjoy it.
I see so many parents struggling with kids who think they get to call the shots.Happens with little things too. You hear parents in supermarkets asking the kids to choose which one they want of things. Aaaargh! Talk about setting yourself up for problems.
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@No-Quarter I hear ya brother. Most parent I know want their kid to be confident, to become independent, to be able to take on things without fear.
Two of my girls would happily mix it up playing basketball, Aussie rules with the boys, even if it meant getting knocked about or knocking a few about. But my other daughter wouldn’t even think it. One of my son’s is almost too fearless, the other is cautious and overthinks stuff.There are ways to tap into whatever their mindset might be. The little things like riding bikes outside has done wonders for confidence. In fact a lot of outside activities build that confidence, resilience and independence. Tech has its place but outside is where it’s at for kids to learn lessons!
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Always amazes me how different siblings can be. You raise your kids exactly the same but they can be so different.
We have 2 girls only 22 months apart in age ( we thought the 2nd would take much longer to come along) but they are chalk and cheese. Nothing alike don’t even look the same.. hold on...... -
@No-Quarter said in Parenting:
@ACT-Crusader having 5 kids goes a long way to explaining his repetitive ongoing team selection Dad joke. The dude must be a fucking master at driving his kids insane with the same jokes over and over.
I might not get 5 laughs every time I tell my dad jokes at home but at least I get 5 upvotes for my AB selections.
Shout out to @Chris-B @Canerbry @shark @Chris @Stargazer
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5?????
Holy shit man, you're a lunatic.
Came here to post this. I had cold sweats even thinking about it!
Haha. Don’t worry we get the ‘look’ when we all go out together.
In all seriousness though, I feel very fortunate to be able to have children. Many whanau and friends who have tried and haven’t been able to have kids it has brought heartache and disappointment. My wife and I are pretty chill about things when it comes to the kids. We’re definitely not those ones where every conversation is brought back to what our little Johnny or Jane are doing or always offering advice just because we have more kids than so and so.
Like someone posted earlier, we are all learning along the way. There are no “experts” in my view because no two experiences are the same because no two kids or parents are the same. All we can do is share our experiences. I’ve learned some stuff from this thread.
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@ACT-Crusader My first thought when I saw you had 5 kids was what car do you drive ....
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Cracking thread team. Amazing how many things I read on this I find myself nodding along to ... Especially around the confidence of kids.
My son wouldn't even put his head under water until he was about 5. Infuriating when you are shelling out thousands in swimming lessons / pool access etc. OF course, he's now 8 and can swim like a fish (although not in the Rancid' son category), so we really had nothing to worry about.
He got some new trainers today. The sheer joy on his face about this new trainers brought me back to being a kid again. Which ultimately is I think, what most of the parenting joys are about.
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The helicopter parenting thing and what it does to a kids self confidence is pretty important I’d say. Mrs Cato and I have very different ideas around how you look after and discipline kids. She is of Mediterranean extraction and her (and her mum and sisters) are like caricature Italian mommas. (Though not Italian themselves ). Cue lots of screaming and shouting followed immediately by guilt laden gifts of sweets etc. Mixed messages is not in it. With Ms Cato No1 she mollycoddled her, feeding her fears and phobias to the extent that she now has mild but continuous hypochondria. As I saw this happening and being powerless to stop it, the rot having been set in, I had to do my best to manage it and then ensure the same thing did not happen with Ms Cato No2. We did suffer some dreadful times with No1, including bad boyfriend choices, drugs and depression, but you find a way of getting through it intact.
However despite all that we now have two really good young adults that we are both proud of and that are decent human beings. One has branched out, one still lives at home. Guess which one.
My message would be that it is the values you instil in your kids that will be the most formative thing you can do for them. Everything else is just part of the journey.
