Lying on your resume
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@JC said in Lying on your resume:
@MajorRage I’m managing a project where the developers are in house at an tech organisation that is a subsidiary of the client and the nominal owner of the system we have to change. They know nothing about the client’s core business and have BAs who think they know best without ever asking questions. Everything is framed in terms of what’s easiest to achieve on their platform rather than the right solution for the requirements. So I’m using an external BA who I trust. She is awesome. A great BA is worth their weight in gold.
Absolutely understand. The product we are building has been bastardised completely to work with the in-house system because they in-house guys are literally too old or useless to adapt in any way, shape or form.
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@MN5 said in Lying on your resume:
@NTA said in Lying on your resume:
And ubernerds are the fucking worst. I once physically threatened a guy who wrote elegant but obtuse code with no logging and no comments because I knew - as a 22yo AWS whiz - he would be gone in 6 months and it would be my shitpile to look after.
He went in 7.
A good BA is great. But you can highlight the risks all you want to the business, and if they're going to press ahead with unrealistic timelines for an off-the-shelf product that they customise to shit because the platform salesman doesn't give a fuck about anything but his bonus, well...
Hey come on now.....us sales folk are only as good as our support people
It's a pity your support people that you sell don't actually exist.
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@Bones said in Lying on your resume:
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A perfect example. We have a form in our software with a drop down button called "Action". How many actions can you perform on the drop down? One.
Yes. Our excel wankpots are very good at this. My favourite though had a binary response rather than the more usual single option. The two options were Y (yes) or N (no). To make things even more understandable the column heading gave both options too.
This on a spreadsheet that advisory and admin would need to input hundreds of times a day...
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@Victor-Meldrew said in Lying on your resume:
@MN5 said in Lying on your resume:
Hey come on now.....us sales folk are only as good as our support people
Eerie how accurate this is. Reminds me of my time selling phone systems, I did remarkably well considering I didn’t know the difference between analogue and digital for months. I ordered the wrong handsets which were incompatible and then blamed an imaginary PA for fucking things up.
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@Catogrande they did one a couple of weeks ago, to allow users to add/delete lookup values to tables.
- Select value.
- Click "Delete"
- "Would you like to delete value?"
- Click "Yes"
- "You can't delete value xyz because of 123"
Why the fuck didn't you say that before I clicked yes!
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@MN5 said in Lying on your resume:
Reminds me of my time selling phone systems, I did remarkably well considering I didn’t know the difference between analogue and digital for months
I used to install networks and phone systems.
I've met people like you.
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@Victor-Meldrew said in Lying on your resume:
@MN5 said in Lying on your resume:
Reminds me of my time selling phone systems, I did remarkably well considering I didn’t know the difference between analogue and digital for months
I used to install networks and phone systems.
I've met people like you.
To their credit work admitted their colossal fuck up, realised I needed training and my bluster and bullshit could only go so far.
It had a cord and it plugged in fine, what do you mean it’s not compatible ?
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@MN5 said in Lying on your resume:
To their credit work admitted their colossal fuck up, realised I needed training and my bluster and bullshit could only go so far.
So your CV now reads: "Ability to identify and assess problems in a pragmatic and time-bound manner, building stakeholder engagement to ensure successful resolution" ?
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@Victor-Meldrew said in Lying on your resume:
@MN5 said in Lying on your resume:
To their credit work admitted their colossal fuck up, realised I needed training and my bluster and bullshit could only go so far.
So your CV now reads: "Ability to identify and assess problems in a pragmatic and time-bound manner, building stakeholder engagement to ensure successful resolution" ?
No but I will definitely pinch that.
I think the closest I have to that is that ‘I’m a real team player with a can do attitude’
Fucken hell @Bones, even my sales cliches are trapped in the 90s.
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@Victor-Meldrew said in Lying on your resume:
@NTA said in Lying on your resume:
I fucking hate those fluffybunnies. They get recognition for "always being available" or "responding quickly" to their own fuckups.
I worked for one loud prick whose sole man-management technique was to rush down the office, muttering about "project failures" and throw a printed email on my desk, demanding to know what I was going to do with it.
Fuck knows how I resisted the temptation to state the obvious.
Printer paper is a bugger to flush.
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Thank fuck I am not in the corporate world. I hardly understand a single word in this thread.
If they defund the police I am screwed!
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@Crazy-Horse said in Lying on your resume:
Thank fuck I am not in the corporate world. I hardly understand a single word in this thread.
If they defund the police I am screwed!
I worked for comms and had a crack at joining before I realised I hated shift work. The cops is still full of corporate wank speak though isn’t it ? ie it’s now the Police ‘Service’ cos ‘Force’ was too aggressive ?
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One of my relatives was in a corporate role at TVNZ in the mid-2000s and offered to show me round HQ when I was up in Auckland. Got to meet Mother of the Nation Judy Bailey just before the 6pm news and all that but the strangest moment was when my rellie was showing me round the newsroom. We reached the recently-appointed weather presenter, at which point my relative said "ah, yes, [insert name] caused us to change our interview questions once we hired [him/her]. [He/she] had never used a computer before but the team never thought to ask!"
Said weather presenter smiled at me and carried on typing out their script - very slowly, might I add.
Ah, what do I care - the presenter was Brendan Horan.
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@MN5 said in Lying on your resume:
@Crazy-Horse said in Lying on your resume:
Thank fuck I am not in the corporate world. I hardly understand a single word in this thread.
If they defund the police I am screwed!
I worked for comms and had a crack at joining before I realised I hated shift work. The cops is still full of corporate wank speak though isn’t it ? ie it’s now the Police ‘Service’ cos ‘Force’ was too aggressive ?
Not at street/operational level where I work. You are right though, 'off road' jobs can be full of that crap.
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@Smudge said in Lying on your resume:
One of my relatives was in a corporate role at TVNZ in the mid-2000s and offered to show me round HQ when I was up in Auckland. Got to meet Mother of the Nation Judy Bailey just before the 6pm news and all that but the strangest moment was when my rellie was showing me round the newsroom. We reached the recently-appointed weather presenter, at which point my relative said "ah, yes, [insert name] caused us to change our interview questions once we hired [him/her]. [He/she] had never used a computer before but the team never thought to ask!"
Said weather presenter smiled at me and carried on typing out their script - very slowly, might I add.
Ah, what do I care - the presenter was Brendan Horan.
Who ?
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@JC said in Lying on your resume:
@MN5 Solution-focussed. Nimble. Advocates for the client. Ooh, and a new one for the lockdown generation: Remote-tolerant.
True story. About 15 years ago me and my then business partners decided to have a bit of fun and invent a frankly ridiculous business buzzword. We came up with "Gravitortional" - the concept that as an object or idea comes down from above it is subject to twisting forces.
We casually dropped it into a number of dull client meetings and, yep, it was quoted back to us when we next met the client.
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@MN5 said in Lying on your resume:
No but I will definitely pinch that.
The first piece of consultancy advice is generally free...
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@MN5 said in Lying on your resume:
@Smudge said in Lying on your resume:
One of my relatives was in a corporate role at TVNZ in the mid-2000s and offered to show me round HQ when I was up in Auckland. Got to meet Mother of the Nation Judy Bailey just before the 6pm news and all that but the strangest moment was when my rellie was showing me round the newsroom. We reached the recently-appointed weather presenter, at which point my relative said "ah, yes, [insert name] caused us to change our interview questions once we hired [him/her]. [He/she] had never used a computer before but the team never thought to ask!"
Said weather presenter smiled at me and carried on typing out their script - very slowly, might I add.
Ah, what do I care - the presenter was Brendan Horan.
Who ?
Wiki says he lost his job when Jim Hickey returned. Was also a former NZ First MP who got expelled from the party part way through his only term in Parliament.
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@Godder said in Lying on your resume:
@MN5 said in Lying on your resume:
@Smudge said in Lying on your resume:
One of my relatives was in a corporate role at TVNZ in the mid-2000s and offered to show me round HQ when I was up in Auckland. Got to meet Mother of the Nation Judy Bailey just before the 6pm news and all that but the strangest moment was when my rellie was showing me round the newsroom. We reached the recently-appointed weather presenter, at which point my relative said "ah, yes, [insert name] caused us to change our interview questions once we hired [him/her]. [He/she] had never used a computer before but the team never thought to ask!"
Said weather presenter smiled at me and carried on typing out their script - very slowly, might I add.
Ah, what do I care - the presenter was Brendan Horan.
Who ?
Wiki says he lost his job when Jim Hickey returned. Was also a former NZ First MP who got expelled from the party part way through his only term in Parliament.
That’s the only Horan I know
Brendan Horan - Wikipedia
