No kids, any regrets?
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I've been that guy that asked "why don't you have kids?". When I was younger and I didn't have an empathetic bone in my body.
Now I hate it when people say(behind the backs of childless couples) "Well not everyone is cut out for parenthood". I wish their parents weren't cut out for it...
Wholeness is not determined by how many sprogs you pop out. A family does not have to be 2.5 children.
My sister in law is 40 and has no children. She does what she wants when she wants and lives the life my wife and I wish we could. She occasionally regrets not starting a family but then she goes on a bender for 3 days. comes home to a full fridge, a quiet apartment, and sleeps it off without having to get up for any reason. Her reason for not having children was a lack of a partner at the time she was prepared to have them. Now she is an industry leader in her field and her life is her work. And she's happy with that.
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@Rancid-Schnitzel said in No kids, any regrets?:
Given how it seems people with kids do nothing but bitch and complain about them (and in the early years look absolutely exhausted and destroyed most of the time) perhaps the surprising thing is why so many people still actually want to have kids.
What I do find funny is some childless couples who spoil their pets rotten and almost treat them like kids.
That’s my other half and her cat ( but she’s also beyond awesome with my boys which makes life easy )
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We don't have any kids by choice and I can honestly say I have not had one moment of regret or even doubt over the decision. Ever since I can remember it always seemed natural that I wasn't going to have them. Not sure why I feel the way I do, but it is common on both sides of my family where very few males have reproduced. The same males, including me, have never married despite being in long term relationships.
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@bayimports good post bro.
In some cultures there is definitely greater focus on posterity and the whole children/grandchildren discussion.
My view is that no one should be pressured into having children whether from a cultural, religious or societal perspective. Unfortunately that pressure exists whether perceived or real, and I know people who avoid extended family gatherings because of it. That is really sad.
I don’t know why but something clicked with me as a young kid that helped me realise that families come in all different shapes and sizes and sometimes there were kids and sometimes there wasn’t. I am even more sensitive to this as a husband and father as I know people who have had desires to have kids, tried all avenues and couldn’t, those that made choices to not have kids because of health reasons, and those that have not had the opportunity to do so, and those that have made a choice to not.
Whatever your lot in life and whatever choices are made, even if there is a feeling of regret, time can heal and support can help overcome whatever regret one might feel.
I think a really challenging discussion is when partners have different views on the matter and how that can be reconciled.
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Yeah, it's an interesting one. We have been together for 13 years and have had chats about having kids. I am literally 50/50 on the whole thing. If we have them I would be keen to dive in and be there all the time, if we don't literally not worried at all. We are only 34 and 33 but father time is still ticking.
We have also discussed adoption quite a bit with the thought that there are lots of kids who don't have parents why don't we just give them someone who loves them. It's something I am pretty keen on to be honest and would allow me misses to continue to follow some of the dreams she has career-wise a bit more. Also my best mate and his wife had a baby a bit over a year ago she suffered post natel depression and psychosis which meant she was in hospital for most of lock down with crazy made up thoughts and eventual low dose electroshock therapy as a last resort. That scares ya a bit.
My mum has done home-based child care for 25+ years so being around under 5's and seeing the tight ship mum has run for them gives me confidence on that side of things. My personal fears are being financially secure enough to continue to enjoy a similar life (which is me continuing to chase my entrepreneurial/business dreams) and also being able to be present a lot of the time for the kid/s.
A lot of that stems from being brought up with no father, single mum who worked but still got some benefits so things were always tight. Even though they were she would coach my junior rugby teams, come to every sporting event I was in etc and when I got a scholarship to a private school although we were the have-nots so to speak my mum was a handful of parents who could always be there supporting.
Without this turning into an ode to my mum those are the things I am working towards to allow myself to be the best parent possible if we go down that path.
If we don't have kids I wouldn't regret it at all.
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I have never felt any judgement or pressure to have kids. Maybe it's there and I am too far up my own arse to feel it.
Marriage is different. We are always getting asked when we are getting married.
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@Kiwiwomble said in No kids, any regrets?:
do you mind if i add a supplementary question?
how do you make new friends without kids....it seems whenever someone talks about catching up with other couples (unless a relative) its someone theyve met through something kid based
Its one of the reasons ive going to try and get back into playing rugby (masters), meet some more people
TBH I don't have any friends in the town I recently moved to, sounds depressing writing that down. I am in the lucky position that my wife and I get on well and we do a lot together which is great. We also have the wife's family nearby and spend plenty of time with them.
All my family and childhood mates are in NZ so that is a bummer and being a bloke I don't stay in touch like I should. Would be great to have someone to watch the rugby with and have a chat but it can be bloody hard to find people you connect with in your 40's.
I also have a hobby/Job that is mainly done solo (not that :-)) so I don't get to meet many people.
Good luck with the rugby, not sure my body could handle that.
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@bayimports said in No kids, any regrets?:
Thanks for posting @chimoaus , somewhat therapeutic just typing
cheers
My pleasure, always good to know other people experience the same things.
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@Hooroo sounds like favourite uncle material right there
But you raise a good point, just because someone doesn’t have kids or someone has made a decision to not have children, that doesn’t mean they can’t contribute positively in the lives of nieces and nephews, friends kids etc.
I’ve seen this in my own life and my own children have been positively impacted by an uncle or Aunty or friend that isn’t a parent themselves.
But I’ve also seen adults who don’t have kids sort of cower when it comes to interacting with kids. You don’t have to overdo it and parent them, but be natural and chill.
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@ACT-Crusader said in No kids, any regrets?:
But I’ve also seen adults who don’t have kids sort of cower when it comes to interacting with kids.
That's me!
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@Crazy-Horse they smell the fear!!
Little shits aye ha ha
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It's a running joke at work. They see the fear on my face when I have to interact with kids.
One day we were assisting Child Welfare take a child off a family and there was a standoff with the dad who was holding the kid. Eventually the father agreed to hand the baby over and he reached out to pass the baby to me. I froze. I have never held a baby and I didn't know what to do. Luckily my partner saw the fear, stepped up and took the baby. We were laughing later at how pale I went. Scariest moment of my career!
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@chimoaus said in No kids, any regrets?:
@Kiwiwomble said in No kids, any regrets?:
do you mind if i add a supplementary question?
how do you make new friends without kids....it seems whenever someone talks about catching up with other couples (unless a relative) its someone theyve met through something kid based
Its one of the reasons ive going to try and get back into playing rugby (masters), meet some more people
TBH I don't have any friends in the town I recently moved to, sounds depressing writing that down. I am in the lucky position that my wife and I get on well and we do a lot together which is great. We also have the wife's family nearby and spend plenty of time with them.
All my family and childhood mates are in NZ so that is a bummer and being a bloke I don't stay in touch like I should. Would be great to have someone to watch the rugby with and have a chat but it can be bloody hard to find people you connect with in your 40's.
I also have a hobby/Job that is mainly done solo (not that :-)) so I don't get to meet many people.
Good luck with the rugby, not sure my body could handle that.
Certainly gets more difficult, or requires more effort to connect with people when you move to a new place. Kids give you that easy way in
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@MN5 said in No kids, any regrets?:
@Rancid-Schnitzel said in No kids, any regrets?:
Given how it seems people with kids do nothing but bitch and complain about them (and in the early years look absolutely exhausted and destroyed most of the time) perhaps the surprising thing is why so many people still actually want to have kids.
What I do find funny is some childless couples who spoil their pets rotten and almost treat them like kids.
That’s my other half and her cat ( but she’s also beyond awesome with my boys which makes life easy )
This is sort of us too with our dogs. We walk them twice a day and have met all sorts of people as a result. Some of course you wish you didn't, but others have become friends. Sometimes it means take a couple of beers to the local park, let the dogs play while you quietly sink a couple. So can be fun!
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@bayimports said in No kids, any regrets?:
@MN5 said in No kids, any regrets?:
@Rancid-Schnitzel said in No kids, any regrets?:
Given how it seems people with kids do nothing but bitch and complain about them (and in the early years look absolutely exhausted and destroyed most of the time) perhaps the surprising thing is why so many people still actually want to have kids.
What I do find funny is some childless couples who spoil their pets rotten and almost treat them like kids.
That’s my other half and her cat ( but she’s also beyond awesome with my boys which makes life easy )
This is sort of us too with our dogs. We walk them twice a day and have met all sorts of people as a result. Some of course you wish you didn't, but others have become friends. Sometimes it means take a couple of beers to the local park, let the dogs play while you quietly sink a couple. So can be fun!
I did this at my daughters athletics training the other week. Felt like an alco initially, but I recovered quickly ...
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@bayimports said in No kids, any regrets?:
@MN5 said in No kids, any regrets?:
@Rancid-Schnitzel said in No kids, any regrets?:
Given how it seems people with kids do nothing but bitch and complain about them (and in the early years look absolutely exhausted and destroyed most of the time) perhaps the surprising thing is why so many people still actually want to have kids.
What I do find funny is some childless couples who spoil their pets rotten and almost treat them like kids.
That’s my other half and her cat ( but she’s also beyond awesome with my boys which makes life easy )
This is sort of us too with our dogs. We walk them twice a day and have met all sorts of people as a result. Some of course you wish you didn't, but others have become friends. Sometimes it means take a couple of beers to the local park, let the dogs play while you quietly sink a couple. So can be fun!
Kids and fur babies are both good ways to meet people. As a single guy in a new city who knew a few people I found I really had to hustle to get out and about. And mates with girlfriends or their own friends were hard enough to link up with, it would be more challenging once they have kids. But there must be lots of like minded people in similar circumstances. Fuck knows where they hide though
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@Crazy-Horse said in No kids, any regrets?:
I have never felt any judgement or pressure to have kids. Maybe it's there and I am too far up my own arse to feel it.
Marriage is different. We are always getting asked when we are getting married.
It's women that seem to cop it in relation to kids. And it's either way these days, they can't win. When my (now) wife got pregnant at 22 (which was a whoops on our part) she got a lot of "you're too young, you've ruined your life!" etc. Now that we're in our 30s I'm certain the same people would be asking her why we don't have kids yet if we didn't have them.
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@chimoaus said in No kids, any regrets?:
@Kiwiwomble said in No kids, any regrets?:
do you mind if i add a supplementary question?
how do you make new friends without kids....it seems whenever someone talks about catching up with other couples (unless a relative) its someone theyve met through something kid based
Its one of the reasons ive going to try and get back into playing rugby (masters), meet some more people
TBH I don't have any friends in the town I recently moved to, sounds depressing writing that down. I am in the lucky position that my wife and I get on well and we do a lot together which is great. We also have the wife's family nearby and spend plenty of time with them.
All my family and childhood mates are in NZ so that is a bummer and being a bloke I don't stay in touch like I should. Would be great to have someone to watch the rugby with and have a chat but it can be bloody hard to find people you connect with in your 40's.
I also have a hobby/Job that is mainly done solo (not that :-)) so I don't get to meet many people.
Good luck with the rugby, not sure my body could handle that.
That’s sounds a lot like us, we do a lot together too
....and I’m not sure my bodies up to it either!
