No kids, any regrets?
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Fuck me, this thread. Some amazing stories in here, thanks all for sharing. What a great reminder to all of us who have been fortunate enough to make a choice in this matter. Thoughts are with all those who couldn't, especially those with health issues preventing/resulting from attempt.
I've given myself at least 12 uppercuts over the past few days for all the whining I've done this year about things that don't come close in importance.
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@JC said in No kids, any regrets?:
Well for us kids just weren’t an option sadly. We tried everything but when we first got all the tests done they told us it would be extremely unlikely and they were right. The never ending hormone treatments permanently damaged Mrs JC’s health - one of the fertility experts guilt tripped her into some pretty extreme treatments by saying if she had any second thoughts then she just didn’t want kids enough. So now she’s got anxiety attacks, near constant IBS, blinding headaches about 50% of every month, excruciating period pain, everything except the child she desperately wanted and still misses. The kicker is she is a amazing with kids and would have been the most awesome Mum. Sometimes you just have to laugh because the alternative is you’d never stop crying.
Many thanks JC, I was wondering if my story was applicable to this thread.
We had a very similar experience and while my wife hasn't been affected to quite the same extent as your good wife, she too has had that hormone treatment totally fuck with her innards and still suffers to this day - perhaps 10 years later.The above also coincidentally describes our situation more succinctly than I ever could, right down to the "jesus she'd be a good mum" bit.
My thoughts on IVF
The day you find out it's not going to happen naturally is a day spent wailing bucket loads of tears and a firm confirmation that nothing could ever hurt you emotionally as this is right now. It's a shitty and memorable day.So then you embark on the emotional paradox that is IVF.
Its a fluffybunny
You see, the pertinent factor is 30%, well it was when we did it.
You're basically betting on the Black Caps beating Australia in any given game from 2000 to ..., well probably now!
So the whole thing is 28 days of that "hope so but probably not" conundrum every minute of the day but the stakes are the highest in your life.
You've got to be positive but you know how hard you're going to fall when the first painter turns up in 3 weeks...again. That's why it's such a rollercoaster. I remember gazing at the doctor thinking what an extraordinary life he has in that, in the space of a morning he can either painfully ruin or ecstatically complete a woman's entire life. Maybe even in the space of 2 appointments. Freaky places fertility clinics.
Basically they arm you with nifty syringe dispensing gadgets and boxes of vials that you keep in your fridge. Every morning Wifey turns the dial on the gadget and injects it into her tummy. I'm guessing that's the bugger responsible for the after effects.
Then clinic visits, stirrups, looking at magnified eggs on a screen and being told to pick one ? Some wanking. An implant visit and then a couple of weeks (I think, I try to forget) of fretting and the wife lying still.
Then it doesn"t work and you board the merry go round again
But then there is the masturbatorium
We used the best cliic in bkk and then a state run one,(state had the clinic doctors but only those good hearted enough to do a couple of mornings a week for free - fine people).
At either, the bloke must supply some pollen. The clinic had a small lounge sized, tastefully furnished mastabatorium with a comfy sofa and a massive tv. Windowless, but there is a sliding hatch for completion. Pre-Programming allows one a myriad of porn choices from all corners of the globe and magazines I didn't even look over.
I was in there about an hour I think the nurses said.The state was a tiny toilet/janitor closet where my true professionalism came to the fore.
So the IVF at 30% ain't no picnic but please don't let that distract from the joy for those that were there the day McMillan and McCullum went nuts. Really pleased for all doting parents. Bitterness doesn't lie there.
Stepping over trafficked babies being held by non maternal trafficked beggars on the bkk pavements everyday steels the soul though.
A word of advice if you meet a couple who tell you they're on the merry go round, don't talk. Just listen and wish luck. For the love of god don't give the "My sister/cousin/aunt/friend got pregnant by that" anecdote because it comes across like a fait accompli, and really irked, well to me anyway.
Met some women on their 10th go or some such. It's a desperate state to be in with the only certainty being that plain shit luck has led you to walk into this particular clinic or hospital.
Also we learned to avoid mates kids baby birthday partys back in the day.
Absolute full power to those that chose no kids, we did too in the end, we weren't in a fair dinkum position to adopt. Sounds like all of us have benefitted from our choices and circumstances and life always supplies other paddocks to ponder.
Oh and those people that treat animals like kids... there might be a decent reason
Thanks for the therapy, haven't thought about that shit for a while
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Tough times in the UK, but reading this thread reminded me that we actually have it pretty good.
Thoughts are with all of you that have struggled, we were told we were going to. But didn't.
TSF as cathartic as always.
Side Note - Cathartic is an absolute doozy of a hard word to spell correctly. Which psycho bastard decided how that should be spelt??
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@Siam Yes bud, I relate to all that. I’ve lost both my parents, who I got on with like a house on fire, but still the saddest day of my life is when we had the conversation where we decided not to keep trying anymore. Nobody wants to see their wife or partner in that kind of distress. And you’re right about the avoiding baby events too, just too hard.
Another thing we have in the mix is that I’m 14 years older than Mrs JC. She will almost certainly outlive me by some way, and while she’ll be well off she will likely be on her own for a good while. That’s when you want kids around I reckon. I’m really genuinely sorry about that likelihood.
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Question for you guys who couldn't conceive when you wanted to.
Did you ever consider adoption? And any reasons as to why didn't proceed?
Its cool if people don't want to talk about it further - no pressure to respond. Reason I ask is that we had discussed it at length after we were told it was going to be difficult. The discussions ended with "we'll go down that path when we come to it" after a very long time.
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Have 2 daughters. First was a surprise and neither of us wanted kids. We were both genuinely pretty adamant about it. The pregnancy termination call was very close though. Then after the decision, everything changed.
Feel privileged to be reading some of the personal insights on this thread... Thanks to all. Even though I don’t know any of you personally, I have been mainly a lurker on TSF on and off since the Bartman days started pretty much. Re-registered last year but seeing the personal contributions from so many regulars, I thought I better chip in.
I love my 2 girls more than life itself... Being a Dad has been the single most important thing bringing meaning to my life. If I was Mick Jagger rich I would still be having kids I reckon
So yes. If you have a chance...any chance or change of heart... adoption included...just do it and enjoy the journey. @chimoaus it’s not too late if you both decide even adoption is a route you... And strength to you both making the choice. Mate of mine became a first time Dad at 46 a few years back. And wow. He is loving every single minute. And another old friend adopted at 40 and she is the most amazing parent. Transformed both their lives. -
@mantissanet welcome aboard.
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@mantissanet Thanks for sharing, glad you have found so much joy from your daughters. Unfortunately my wife like many others suffers from some medical issues that incapacitate her at times making it unfeasible to have children. We get a lot of joy from spending time with our nieces and nephews and we are well and truly at peace not having children now.
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@MajorRage we looked at it for a wee bit, and some close friends had as well. From what we learnt it can take many years, and there is still some luck involved even if you are standout candidates. For our friends the rollercoaster of unsuccessful ivf meant they just didn't have the energy to get back on a multi year journey that also could end with no child.
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@MajorRage said in No kids, any regrets?:
Question for you guys who couldn't conceive when you wanted to.
Did you ever consider adoption? And any reasons as to why didn't proceed?
Its cool if people don't want to talk about it further - no pressure to respond. Reason I ask is that we had discussed it at length after we were told it was going to be difficult. The discussions ended with "we'll go down that path when we come to it" after a very long time.
From discussions with family and friends who have tried to adopt and family law experts, adoption in Australia is a fairly rigorous process and hence there are pretty low adoption numbers here. It’s governed by state laws so is different in each jurisdiction.
I’ve had cousins who live in OZ but have adopted from overseas. I know a couple that moved overseas for a few years so they could adopt and then moved back to Sydney.
I know a couple who couldn’t have kids so started the process of adopting a new born baby of a woman in NZ who had identified with health and welfare authorities that she wanted to put the baby up for adoption. The went through the whole process and then because of some provision in NZ law the biological mother was able to change decision at the 11th hour. An emotional roller coaster to say the least!
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@MajorRage said in No kids, any regrets?:
Did you ever consider adoption?
Although we could have had kids, we actually discused adoption as it suited our moral / ethical values. Then we decided that we actually didn't want kids full stop. It is one of those things in life that you really do need to be sure about. Being a half hearted parent...well you get the point.
We have a fantastic charity organisation in the area that looks after "disadvantaged" kids. Those that have been in trouble with the police, at risk for any other reason (usually parents), domestic violence. That sort of thing. My wife signed up about 5 years ago as a mentor (a bit like the big brother / sister programs) with a girl who would have been about 9 at the time. Mother is a meth head but does seem to care inspite of poor choices (drugs, men, unemployment - that is a choice this time I think) and the rest of the family are much the same. The wee girl is now in high school, doing well and my wife still takes her out on weekends and talks her through things, especially important at that impressionable age.
There are lots of ways to make a difference I guess is the point, and help raise kids by default. You don't need to have biological children necessarily.
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@MajorRage Louis Theroux's did a doco on adoption in the US called Altered States, hard watching for those wanting kids. One pregnant lady scammed multiple couples into them giving her monetary support during pregnancy then cut them off at the end.
I have four uncles and aunties who are all adopted and had plenty of friends at school who were adopted. Lack of birth control and social pressures back in the day meant a lot of young females felt they had no other option but to put their children up for adoption.
Whereas today it is more accepted and grandparents and other family will often share the responsibility. There is also a preference for foster care and then care homes as the children get older. I am unsure why there has been a shift away from adoption to foster care, I assume it was policy but not sure.
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@chimoaus said in No kids, any regrets?:
@MajorRage Louis Theroux's did a doco on adoption in the US called Altered States, hard watching for those wanting kids. One pregnant lady scammed multiple couples into them giving her monetary support during pregnancy then cut them off at the end.
I have four uncles and aunties who are all adopted and had plenty of friends at school who were adopted. Lack of birth control and social pressures back in the day meant a lot of young females felt they had no other option but to put their children up for adoption.
Whereas today it is more accepted and grandparents and other family will often share the responsibility. There is also a preference for foster care and then care homes as the children get older. I am unsure why there has been a shift away from adoption to foster care, I assume it was policy but not sure.
Funny isn't it, because there must be a legitimate demand for it
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@canefan I suspect there are just a lot less children put up for adoption, no doubt better birth control, abortion, family responsibility and less social pressure has drastically reduced the number.
This would then make it even harder for prospective parents as there are far less children available meaning very long wait times etc.
I know for my grandparents they already had biological children, and both adopted two more children. In fact, my great grandmother got pregnant incredibly young (I suspect without her consent) and was shipped off to a religious boarding house where she stayed until she gave birth, and the child was removed from her and given to a good religious family.
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watched a great comedy/drama series earlier this year called Trying about a young British couple tryign to adopt...didn't seem a nice process (obviously I have no idea of the process)
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This thread has been amazing reading, and thanks to all who have shared their very personal stories.
As a recently married bloke in my early 30s, I've had cause to think about this a bit this year. It's a world you feel completely insulated from in your 20s, which are spent mainly trying to avoid pregnancy. And then you make the big decision to start trying, and somewhere you just think it's a fait accompli that it's all going to happen for you.
Of course that's not the case at all, and for some it can be a really harrowing process. I stumbled across this article on the SMH, which resonated with me: https://www.smh.com.au/national/teach-teens-fertility-planning-to-avoid-ivf-later-specialist-says-20201006-p562mr.html
Essentially it says that we spend so much time teaching kids how to avoid pregnancy, but no time telling them how to actually get pregnant, and as a result there are more and more people waiting until it's almost too late to start trying. And then they start IVF without a true understanding of their chances of conception through that process.
I'm not for a second implying that's the case for posters on here, mind you. I'm in awe of your resilience, JC, Siam and others. Sending all my positive thoughts in your direction.
Trying (TV Series 2020–2024) ⭐ 8.0 | Comedy, Drama, Romance
