No kids, any regrets?
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Question for you guys who couldn't conceive when you wanted to.
Did you ever consider adoption? And any reasons as to why didn't proceed?
Its cool if people don't want to talk about it further - no pressure to respond. Reason I ask is that we had discussed it at length after we were told it was going to be difficult. The discussions ended with "we'll go down that path when we come to it" after a very long time.
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Have 2 daughters. First was a surprise and neither of us wanted kids. We were both genuinely pretty adamant about it. The pregnancy termination call was very close though. Then after the decision, everything changed.
Feel privileged to be reading some of the personal insights on this thread... Thanks to all. Even though I don’t know any of you personally, I have been mainly a lurker on TSF on and off since the Bartman days started pretty much. Re-registered last year but seeing the personal contributions from so many regulars, I thought I better chip in.
I love my 2 girls more than life itself... Being a Dad has been the single most important thing bringing meaning to my life. If I was Mick Jagger rich I would still be having kids I reckon
So yes. If you have a chance...any chance or change of heart... adoption included...just do it and enjoy the journey. @chimoaus it’s not too late if you both decide even adoption is a route you... And strength to you both making the choice. Mate of mine became a first time Dad at 46 a few years back. And wow. He is loving every single minute. And another old friend adopted at 40 and she is the most amazing parent. Transformed both their lives. -
@mantissanet welcome aboard.
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@mantissanet Thanks for sharing, glad you have found so much joy from your daughters. Unfortunately my wife like many others suffers from some medical issues that incapacitate her at times making it unfeasible to have children. We get a lot of joy from spending time with our nieces and nephews and we are well and truly at peace not having children now.
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@MajorRage we looked at it for a wee bit, and some close friends had as well. From what we learnt it can take many years, and there is still some luck involved even if you are standout candidates. For our friends the rollercoaster of unsuccessful ivf meant they just didn't have the energy to get back on a multi year journey that also could end with no child.
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@MajorRage said in No kids, any regrets?:
Question for you guys who couldn't conceive when you wanted to.
Did you ever consider adoption? And any reasons as to why didn't proceed?
Its cool if people don't want to talk about it further - no pressure to respond. Reason I ask is that we had discussed it at length after we were told it was going to be difficult. The discussions ended with "we'll go down that path when we come to it" after a very long time.
From discussions with family and friends who have tried to adopt and family law experts, adoption in Australia is a fairly rigorous process and hence there are pretty low adoption numbers here. It’s governed by state laws so is different in each jurisdiction.
I’ve had cousins who live in OZ but have adopted from overseas. I know a couple that moved overseas for a few years so they could adopt and then moved back to Sydney.
I know a couple who couldn’t have kids so started the process of adopting a new born baby of a woman in NZ who had identified with health and welfare authorities that she wanted to put the baby up for adoption. The went through the whole process and then because of some provision in NZ law the biological mother was able to change decision at the 11th hour. An emotional roller coaster to say the least!
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@MajorRage said in No kids, any regrets?:
Did you ever consider adoption?
Although we could have had kids, we actually discused adoption as it suited our moral / ethical values. Then we decided that we actually didn't want kids full stop. It is one of those things in life that you really do need to be sure about. Being a half hearted parent...well you get the point.
We have a fantastic charity organisation in the area that looks after "disadvantaged" kids. Those that have been in trouble with the police, at risk for any other reason (usually parents), domestic violence. That sort of thing. My wife signed up about 5 years ago as a mentor (a bit like the big brother / sister programs) with a girl who would have been about 9 at the time. Mother is a meth head but does seem to care inspite of poor choices (drugs, men, unemployment - that is a choice this time I think) and the rest of the family are much the same. The wee girl is now in high school, doing well and my wife still takes her out on weekends and talks her through things, especially important at that impressionable age.
There are lots of ways to make a difference I guess is the point, and help raise kids by default. You don't need to have biological children necessarily.
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@MajorRage Louis Theroux's did a doco on adoption in the US called Altered States, hard watching for those wanting kids. One pregnant lady scammed multiple couples into them giving her monetary support during pregnancy then cut them off at the end.
I have four uncles and aunties who are all adopted and had plenty of friends at school who were adopted. Lack of birth control and social pressures back in the day meant a lot of young females felt they had no other option but to put their children up for adoption.
Whereas today it is more accepted and grandparents and other family will often share the responsibility. There is also a preference for foster care and then care homes as the children get older. I am unsure why there has been a shift away from adoption to foster care, I assume it was policy but not sure.
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@chimoaus said in No kids, any regrets?:
@MajorRage Louis Theroux's did a doco on adoption in the US called Altered States, hard watching for those wanting kids. One pregnant lady scammed multiple couples into them giving her monetary support during pregnancy then cut them off at the end.
I have four uncles and aunties who are all adopted and had plenty of friends at school who were adopted. Lack of birth control and social pressures back in the day meant a lot of young females felt they had no other option but to put their children up for adoption.
Whereas today it is more accepted and grandparents and other family will often share the responsibility. There is also a preference for foster care and then care homes as the children get older. I am unsure why there has been a shift away from adoption to foster care, I assume it was policy but not sure.
Funny isn't it, because there must be a legitimate demand for it
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@canefan I suspect there are just a lot less children put up for adoption, no doubt better birth control, abortion, family responsibility and less social pressure has drastically reduced the number.
This would then make it even harder for prospective parents as there are far less children available meaning very long wait times etc.
I know for my grandparents they already had biological children, and both adopted two more children. In fact, my great grandmother got pregnant incredibly young (I suspect without her consent) and was shipped off to a religious boarding house where she stayed until she gave birth, and the child was removed from her and given to a good religious family.
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watched a great comedy/drama series earlier this year called Trying about a young British couple tryign to adopt...didn't seem a nice process (obviously I have no idea of the process)
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This thread has been amazing reading, and thanks to all who have shared their very personal stories.
As a recently married bloke in my early 30s, I've had cause to think about this a bit this year. It's a world you feel completely insulated from in your 20s, which are spent mainly trying to avoid pregnancy. And then you make the big decision to start trying, and somewhere you just think it's a fait accompli that it's all going to happen for you.
Of course that's not the case at all, and for some it can be a really harrowing process. I stumbled across this article on the SMH, which resonated with me: https://www.smh.com.au/national/teach-teens-fertility-planning-to-avoid-ivf-later-specialist-says-20201006-p562mr.html
Essentially it says that we spend so much time teaching kids how to avoid pregnancy, but no time telling them how to actually get pregnant, and as a result there are more and more people waiting until it's almost too late to start trying. And then they start IVF without a true understanding of their chances of conception through that process.
I'm not for a second implying that's the case for posters on here, mind you. I'm in awe of your resilience, JC, Siam and others. Sending all my positive thoughts in your direction.
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I know a few Samoan families where a child was ‘given’ to an Uncle and Aunty to raise as their own and then they become the legal guardians.
Also there are families where one of the older kids get pregnant whilst a teenager and the grandparents raise the child and become the legal guardians. I’ve got a mate who was a kid in this situation and when he got to late teens, he was told of the situation. He has a good relationship with his biological parent but his “mum and dad” are still those that raised him.
All shapes and sizes, and you just hope that whatever occurs there is love and care.
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@taniwharugby said in No kids, any regrets?:
watched a great comedy/drama series earlier this year called Trying about a young British couple tryign to adopt...didn't seem a nice process (obviously I have no idea of the process)
I think it is the dehumanizing nature of the whole thing, along with all the hormone treatments. Of course there are some that have a medical reason why they can't have kids, but many of any of us put so much pressure on ourselves to achieve the goal of conception that the stress and our own minds get in the way. Timing ovulation, all the other things that turn what should be a natural process into something different entirely, just another medical procedure but with all the emotional stresses that come with it, it can become a chore the longer it goes on without a result. And yet there are people all over who are just doing the nasty for the fun of it and lo and behold get pregnant! I know a few couples who conceived during breaks from IVF after deciding "to hell with it" and going off for a naughty weekend. The human body is wondrous and mysterious and in the first world we can be our own worst enemies
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@barbarian said in No kids, any regrets?:
This thread has been amazing reading, and thanks to all who have shared their very personal stories.
It certainly has me thinking.
I wonder if my choice was due to some of the horrific things that I saw in my 20's. You don't want a child to go through that or experience it even later in life. It wasn't Passchendaele but it wasn't great either.
I'm scared that I can't raise a dog properly, and I know that I am over protective of her. I'd be hopeless with a child and I have a lot of respect for those of you that have taken it on.
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@ACT-Crusader said in No kids, any regrets?:
I know a few Samoan families where a child was ‘given’ to an Uncle and Aunty to raise as their own and then they become the legal guardians.
Also there are families where one of the older kids get pregnant whilst a teenager and the grandparents raise the child and become the legal guardians. I’ve got a mate who was a kid in this situation and when he got to late teens, he was told of the situation. He has a good relationship with his biological parent but his “mum and dad” are still those that raised him.
All shapes and sizes, and you just hope that whatever occurs there is love and care.
Still happens a lot in the Maori community too
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@canefan well my eldest, wasnt planned, partner at the time supposedly on contraceptive...
TR Jnr (#2) wife went off the pill, bam, pregnant.
Miss 12, took us 7 months to get pregnant, but co-incidentally, all 3 of my kids birthdays fall within 8 days, so my swimmers prefer summer...
Trying (TV Series 2020–2024) ⭐ 8.0 | Comedy, Drama, Romance
