Movie review thread...
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This table reading of the never produced Commando II script is absolute gold.
It was written in deliberately over the top style by Steven de Souza of Die Hard, 48 Hrs, Commando, and The Running Man fame.
COMMANDO 2
Hosts STEPHEN SCARLATA (producer "Jodorowsky's Dune") and JOSH MILLER (screenwriter, "Sonic The Hedgehog") talk with writer-director Joe Begos ("VFW", "Bliss") and producer-editor Josh Ethier ("VFW", "Bliss") about the attempted sequel to Arnold Schwarzenegger's 80s action classic COMMANDO. For...
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@taniwharugby said in Re: Movie review thread...:
I found a movie for you to review, for the good of The Fern!
Okay. So, yeah.... Sharks of the Corn.
What. The. Fuck.
As in... I literally said "What the Fuck!?" out loud multiple times during this movie. 4 times out loud, I think, and plenty more internally.
Just... fuck's sake @taniwharugby - you owe me. It's 1 hour 45 minutes, too... not just a 70-minute long piece of shit. A 105 minute long piece of shit.- Tit-watch... yes... tits, in the very first 5 minutes. Chubby tits, but still - tits - with some blatant lingering close up shots of the tits. Big bouncy blood-stained tits, all over the screen.
- Plot... nothing I can really complain about here... no glaring plot-holes, or anything like that. But mostly because I was struggling to figure out the plot for quite some time.
Of course, once I realised it was all based on the classic "Stonehenge - Great White Shark Goddess - Blood Moon" trope - it all clicked into place. - So yeah - "Stonehenge - Great White Sharks - Blood Moon" - but done tastefully, not like previous trashy attempts at this story of the ages
- So many classic quotes to choose from. I think my classic might have been the subtly gasped "Witchcraft!" - total surpise and horror from a guy who'd just experienced sharks in a corn field with zero fucks-given.
"Sharks in the popcorn!" - was another classic. - Another favourite touch... they ended with the classic black screen, and the simple word "Fin" in white.
For about 2 seconds, if that, before going to post-credits using the truly remarkable choice of multi-colour font they'd used for pre-credits. (Pre-credits - nearly made me give up on the movie before it even started... it was brain-addling chaos) - Special effects - as it says on the tin. I don't think Weta did the sharks, or the blood effects.
- A few lovely topical references too, particularly mention of "the Cronin Virus", and an hilarious gag about social-distancing
0.5 shark scarecrows out of 5 Chechemetols.
Highly recommended. -
In America, there's a burglary every 11 seconds, an armed robbery every 65 seconds, a violent crime every 25 seconds, a murder every 24 minutes and 250 rapes a day.
I posted that on an American forum recently, and got a bunch of replies like "fuck you, euro faggot, at least we have guns here".
Really cracked me up!
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@tim said in Re: Movie review thread...:
In America, there's a burglary every 11 seconds, an armed robbery every 65 seconds, a violent crime every 25 seconds, a murder every 24 minutes and 250 rapes a day.
I posted that on an American forum recently, and got a bunch of replies like "fuck you, euro faggot, at least we have guns here".
Really cracked me up!
I would have suggested that those numbers are a bit low by today's standard....
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@kruse You have seriously missed your calling. Wasting your time riding around the country side when you should be writing reviews of movies that we all know are going to be shit, but you sacrifice yourself for the greater good to make sure that we know. I'm far more amused by your reviews than I ever would be by any of the movies (they are shorter too), so I commend you.
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@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Turns out Indy is a bit shit.....can’t help but agree with some of this
i was so fucking angry for the first 5 minutes of this video. FUCK YOUR OWN FACE NERD!!!
Firstly, basing anything on something from the Big Bang Theory? fuck off.
Ragging on the greatest movie character, in one of the greatest films of all time? Fuck you!But the actual conclusion is pretty valid and why i think he's awesome.
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@mariner4life said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Turns out Indy is a bit shit.....can’t help but agree with some of this
i was so fucking angry for the first 5 minutes of this video. FUCK YOUR OWN FACE NERD!!!
Firstly, basing anything on something from the Big Bang Theory? fuck off.
Ragging on the greatest movie character, in one of the greatest films of all time? Fuck you!But the actual conclusion is pretty valid and why i think he's awesome.
It’s one of my favourite movies ever but the points all stand to some extent. The only movie of the four where Indy actually takes out the bad guy heroically is Temple of Doom.
Lots of nerd talk of the fifth one being made, please god no.
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@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mariner4life said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Turns out Indy is a bit shit.....can’t help but agree with some of this
i was so fucking angry for the first 5 minutes of this video. FUCK YOUR OWN FACE NERD!!!
Firstly, basing anything on something from the Big Bang Theory? fuck off.
Ragging on the greatest movie character, in one of the greatest films of all time? Fuck you!But the actual conclusion is pretty valid and why i think he's awesome.
It’s one of my favourite movies ever but the points all stand to some extent. The only movie of the four where Indy actually takes out the bad guy heroically is Temple of Doom.
Lots of nerd talk of the fifth one being made, please god no.
they don't stand because it's an adventure movie. fuck off.
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@mariner4life said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mariner4life said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Turns out Indy is a bit shit.....can’t help but agree with some of this
i was so fucking angry for the first 5 minutes of this video. FUCK YOUR OWN FACE NERD!!!
Firstly, basing anything on something from the Big Bang Theory? fuck off.
Ragging on the greatest movie character, in one of the greatest films of all time? Fuck you!But the actual conclusion is pretty valid and why i think he's awesome.
It’s one of my favourite movies ever but the points all stand to some extent. The only movie of the four where Indy actually takes out the bad guy heroically is Temple of Doom.
Lots of nerd talk of the fifth one being made, please god no.
they don't stand because it's an adventure movie. fuck off.
At least he knew to keep his eyes shut
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@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Turns out Indy is a bit shit.....can’t help but agree with some of this
Didn’t watch the entire video but totally acknowledge Sheldon’s point. A better example is probably James Bond in Goldfinger. Everything he touches turns to shit in that film. Actually probably the best example is that Rick guy from Walking Dead. A tactical retard with a laundry list of fuck ups. Only WW1 generals sent more people to their deaths than that prick.
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@rancid-schnitzel said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Turns out Indy is a bit shit.....can’t help but agree with some of this
Didn’t watch the entire video but totally acknowledge Sheldon’s point. A better example is probably James Bond in Goldfinger. Everything he touches turns to shit in that film. Actually probably the best example is that Rick guy from Walking Dead. A tactical retard with a laundry list of fuck ups. Only WW1 generals sent more people to their deaths than that prick.
Dunno, Bonds actions lead to two innocent ( and hot ) sisters getting murdered, he then spends most of the movie being captured........
On the plus side though he found a way to defuse the bomb, defeat the toughest guy around by fighting dirty and most impressive of all convincing Pussy that she did like cock after all so it wasn’t all bad.
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@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@rancid-schnitzel said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Turns out Indy is a bit shit.....can’t help but agree with some of this
Didn’t watch the entire video but totally acknowledge Sheldon’s point. A better example is probably James Bond in Goldfinger. Everything he touches turns to shit in that film
. Actually probably the best example is that Rick guy from Walking Dead. A tactical retard with a laundry list of fuck ups. Only WW1 generals sent more people to their deaths than that prick.Dunno, Bonds actions lead to two innocent ( and hot ) sisters getting murdered, he then spends most of the movie being captured........
On the plus side though he found a way to defuse the bomb, defeat the toughest guy around by fighting dirty and most impressive of all convincing Pussy that she did like cock after all so it wasn’t all bad.
Christopher Hitchens is an odd fish but he has a great review of GF:
But what struck me most of all was the the great Bond himself was so totally useless. Sent to spy on Auric Goldfinger, he immediately exposes himself and breaks his cover to rescue a foolish man from being tricked at cards. Why bother? Anyone who played cards ( and repeatedly lost) against a man with a huge earpiece stuck in the side of his head, who insisted on sitting in the same seat for every game, deserved to be cheated.
Having done so he also exposes a beautiful girl to danger, who is promptly killed. Bond cannot save her because, despite his MI6 supertraining and licence to kill, he does not notice when Goldfinger’s henchman, Oddjob, sneaks into his hotel room, or when Oddjob creeps up behind him and knocks him out, before painting the girl gold all over and killing her. Why Oddjob doesn’t kill Bond as well I cannot for the life of me work out, except that the film would have to be abandoned if he did.
Somehow, even after this, Bond continues to pretend he has not been unmasked, playing a futile game of golf with Goldfinger at an expensive course, during which both men pretend that they don’t know that one is a villain and the other a spy.
From that moment onwards. Bond does nothing either useful or intelligent. He gets in the way of the dead girl’s sister, who is trying pretty gamely to shoot Goldfinger, so saving the British taxpayer a great deal of money.
He then gets her killed too. His Aston Martin super car, ejector seat, revolving number-plates, machine-guns etc is as much as use as a bicycle against Goldfinger’s small army of trained (North?) Koreans. After driving around in it for a bit, shooting people, ejecting a Korean and crashing, Bond is captured and duly strapped to a gold table while a laser is aimed at his crotch. Goldfinger then lets Bond go, on the flimsiest pretext possible, after which he surely deserves to die.Bond later escapes and manages to get captured again because he is not paying attention. His attempt to smuggle the details of the plot to the CIA fails completely. The world is in fact rescued by Pussy Galore, who turns out not to be immune to charm and changes sides.
https://hitchensblog.mailonsunday.co.uk/2015/07/did-we-ever-take-goldfinger-seriously-.html
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@rancid-schnitzel said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@rancid-schnitzel said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Turns out Indy is a bit shit.....can’t help but agree with some of this
Didn’t watch the entire video but totally acknowledge Sheldon’s point. A better example is probably James Bond in Goldfinger. Everything he touches turns to shit in that film
. Actually probably the best example is that Rick guy from Walking Dead. A tactical retard with a laundry list of fuck ups. Only WW1 generals sent more people to their deaths than that prick.Dunno, Bonds actions lead to two innocent ( and hot ) sisters getting murdered, he then spends most of the movie being captured........
On the plus side though he found a way to defuse the bomb, defeat the toughest guy around by fighting dirty and most impressive of all convincing Pussy that she did like cock after all so it wasn’t all bad.
Christopher Hitchens is an odd fish but he has a great review of GF:
But what struck me most of all was the the great Bond himself was so totally useless. Sent to spy on Auric Goldfinger, he immediately exposes himself and breaks his cover to rescue a foolish man from being tricked at cards. Why bother? Anyone who played cards ( and repeatedly lost) against a man with a huge earpiece stuck in the side of his head, who insisted on sitting in the same seat for every game, deserved to be cheated.
Having done so he also exposes a beautiful girl to danger, who is promptly killed. Bond cannot save her because, despite his MI6 supertraining and licence to kill, he does not notice when Goldfinger’s henchman, Oddjob, sneaks into his hotel room, or when Oddjob creeps up behind him and knocks him out, before painting the girl gold all over and killing her. Why Oddjob doesn’t kill Bond as well I cannot for the life of me work out, except that the film would have to be abandoned if he did.
Somehow, even after this, Bond continues to pretend he has not been unmasked, playing a futile game of golf with Goldfinger at an expensive course, during which both men pretend that they don’t know that one is a villain and the other a spy.
From that moment onwards. Bond does nothing either useful or intelligent. He gets in the way of the dead girl’s sister, who is trying pretty gamely to shoot Goldfinger, so saving the British taxpayer a great deal of money.
He then gets her killed too. His Aston Martin super car, ejector seat, revolving number-plates, machine-guns etc is as much as use as a bicycle against Goldfinger’s small army of trained (North?) Koreans. After driving around in it for a bit, shooting people, ejecting a Korean and crashing, Bond is captured and duly strapped to a gold table while a laser is aimed at his crotch. Goldfinger then lets Bond go, on the flimsiest pretext possible, after which he surely deserves to die.Bond later escapes and manages to get captured again because he is not paying attention. His attempt to smuggle the details of the plot to the CIA fails completely. The world is in fact rescued by Pussy Galore, who turns out not to be immune to charm and changes sides.
https://hitchensblog.mailonsunday.co.uk/2015/07/did-we-ever-take-goldfinger-seriously-.html
Great rant but I’d argue he was even more inept in Diamonds are Forever. Wint and Kidd got the jump on him ( oooo er ) on more than one occasion.
Bond gets a lot of chicks killed it has to be said
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That level of ineptness is well suited to the actor.
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@antipodean said in Re: Movie review thread...:
That level of ineptness is well suited to the actor.
Whoa, are you having a go at Sean or Harrison ? I’m just working out how triggered I need to be in response.
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@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@antipodean said in Re: Movie review thread...:
That level of ineptness is well suited to the actor.
Whoa, are you having a go at Sean or Harrison ? I’m just working out how triggered I need to be in response.
Connery.
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@antipodean said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@antipodean said in Re: Movie review thread...:
That level of ineptness is well suited to the actor.
Whoa, are you having a go at Sean or Harrison ? I’m just working out how triggered I need to be in response.
Connery.
That’s ok then. He only won Oscars, Golden Globes and became one of cinemas greatest ever icons but other than that he was quite shit.
COMMANDO 2
Sharks of the Corn (2021) ⭐ 1.9 | Horror
