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It's just a thread to vent in a safe space without judgement isn't it?
More often than not better to get it off your chest than actually say it when you know no good will come from having that conversation.
My only advice is to seriously ask yourself how long you're prepared to be miserable.
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
I should also add: I don't think her sex drive is dead.
I get home sometimes when she's had the house to herself, and she's got that glow on, indicating she's meeting her own needs on occasionThis would piss me off. If she honestly had no sex drive, that's another matter. But what's the harm in giving your husband, who you supposedly love and you know damn well is gagging for it, a bit of fun???
@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
So, basically, the only conclusion I can draw: it's me.
That's a dangerous road to travel down which will lead to further destruction of your self-esteem. If she can't see what you have to offer and you are basically being a good husband, that's her problem, not yours.
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
@MajorRage to vent, mostly.
It is safer on here than in a diary.
EDIT Let me pose a question: has anyone here instigated couples therapy?
I really feel for you Mate. It's a messed up situation. You ask if you yourself are the issue. You're definitely not in the sense that you've got a problem or you're causing this. That's all on her. But, it is also about you because (despite your obvious and many flaws
) you're clearly a great, loyal and caring husband and she's completely taken all of that for granted. She's so obsessed and focussed on her own issues that she's completely ignored yours and she knows she can keep on doing it. If you complain, all she has to do is gaslight you and you'll go back into your box. I've read enough of your rants on TSF to realise that.Ok, maybe that's just me projecting from my previous failed relationship! But am I wrong in that assessment? In my situation, what I thought was going to be a passionate and close relationship turned into 2 people just existing in the same house. It was horrible. Like all men I'm obviously into sex but the most important thing for me (particularly after losing my wife to cancer) is intimacy. And I'm not saying holding hands all the time because I'm not really into that and I'm very much against spending every waking moment together. You have to have your own interests and space. But, she developed some kind of bizarre tunnel vision. You felt you were on the clock even for a hug. It was like myself and my son weren't even there. And the gaslighting!!! Fuck me. If I complained she just told me it was life and that maybe I had unrealistic expectations and that I needed to make a choice about the relationship. That would put me in her place. She never believed that I would call her bluff....until I did. And she went fucking mental, accusing me of not trying hard enough etc etc. It was obviously absolutely horrible and she said some absolutely fucked up things. But to her credit she got therapy and ended up writing me a very long email about how she realised that she'd been so absorbed in her own world that she'd completely neglected our relationship (and by extension any care or attention to my son). She said that she felt she'd gotten the guy and then just moved on to whatever else was her obsession at the time. She abused the fact that I was agreeable and loyal and loved her. Too little too late obviously. I may have simply been collateral damage but that's still very painful to experience. Just ask any poor fucking goatherder who had his family killed while Bush was trying to kill Osama. Ok, stoopid analogy, but still.
Anyway, I got out but we didn't have kids together and she at least had some self awareness and went to a therapist. I had less to lose than you despite it being 4 odd years down the drain. I can't advise how to deal with this, but just want you to know that it ain't you. You're just the "victim" of being a decent, caring and loyal bloke.
As @canefan says, guys just can't seem to win. There are constant complaints about how all guys are arseholes, but then the good ones just seem to be treated like shit.
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@Rancid-Schnitzel that's good perspective. Thanks.
I'm sick of feeling like some kind of pervert just because I want to have sex with my wife. I could prefer to do what some guys my age do, and have sex with someone other than my wife.
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@Nepia said in Happiness Scale:
@MajorRage said in Happiness Scale:
With all due respect, what is it you hope to get out of posting all these personal things on TSF, a website full of mostly bullshitting middle aged men?
I am not having a go, or criticizing, but I think you need to know the answer to this question (that’s you, not us). I suspect your situation is relatable to many (I’m not going to offer any insight on my own) so are you looking for advice? Solidarity? A few laughs?
I would be shocked if you went to a counselor if they said posting this stuff here was a good idea. Hence the questions.
I know your a tech nerd, so I’m sure you’ve got all bases covered but do your best to ensure your wife never finds out. As that could blow the situation up further.
Hasn't this thread always been a little bit about therapy? When I was having a shit time at work I typed up a rant about it for this thread. Didn't post it because after reading back what I typed I realised I should just resign, so did that the next day.
At any rate, as someone who quit a job at a school that trains therapists I think the standard of the Ferns advice at times would be on a par or better than the therapists.
Not sure who you are insulting...
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
@Rancid-Schnitzel that's good perspective. Thanks.
I'm sick of feeling like some kind of pervert just because I want to have sex with my wife. I could prefer to do what some guys my age do, and have sex with someone other than my wife.
It's the degrading aspect that's worst. Absolute murder for the self-esteem and ironically the more desperate you become and the more pathetic shit you're willing to do for scraps, the less attractive you become. There is nothing you can do, even if you do everything right.
For guys Im not sure it's just a sex, get your rocks off thing. I think its also about intimacy and having someone who wants you. It's pretty soul destroying selecting a mate who doesn't want to mate with you.
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
@Rancid-Schnitzel that's good perspective. Thanks.
I'm sick of feeling like some kind of pervert just because I want to have sex with my wife. I could prefer to do what some guys my age do, and have sex with someone other than my wife.
Saw this in a Jordan Petersen YouTube video comments section.
There is a building where women can go in and select a husband. The rules are that you are allowed to go in and select a husband and leave, go up floors but you are not allowed to go back down floors.
A woman goes in and finds the men on the first floor have jobs. She decides to see what the second floor has. She goes up and finds the men on the second floor have jobs and are quite handsome. She goes to the third floor, there the men have jobs, are handsome and love kids. Things are getting better so she proceeds to the 4th floor. The men there have high income jobs, are very handsome, love kids and are quite the romantic. Well, golly! I have to see what the 5th floor has, she says and heads on up. The fifth floor is empty with only a sign that reads “there are no men here, this floor proves that women are never satisfied, please take the lift to the ground floor and exit the building.”
Across the road is a building where men can go and select a wife. Same rules apply. First floor has women who are quite pretty. Second floor has women who are quite pretty and love sex. Floors three, four and five have never been visited. -
@Rancid-Schnitzel it's also a reminder to think about how you communicate and how you (as in both of you) communicate in your relationship. I've had a big reminder of that lately and things are much better across the board. Not fucking easy though. Great couple of posts bro btw - must have been really hard to walk away from that relationship and good on you for having the gumption and self-knowledge to know it just wasn't going to work.
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@Paekakboyz said in Happiness Scale:
@Rancid-Schnitzel it's also a reminder to think about how you communicate and how you (as in both of you) communicate in your relationship. I've had a big reminder of that lately and things are much better across the board.
Things improved for me a lot when I learned to shut the fuck up when my wife was expressing her feelings. Silence is golden.
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@MajorRage said in Happiness Scale:
One of the biggest breakdowns in relationships is that woman & men communicate very differently, as others have alluded to.
My wife and I routinely make this joke:
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Cheers gents. To digress for a moment...
The kids and I had the same philosophy: the "Nonna" we knew departed years ago, effectively. What was left was just a shell of a person. Dementia fucking sucks, and it has been a long and often painful ride.
Mrs TA is of course, shattered. Despite living and breathing this for the last 5 years, and knowing the only outcome, it still hit hard. She was in the room when it happened, having spent several hours a day in the last week up there. That in itself - seeing another human die, especially your Mum - is going to fuck with you.
It'll be a slow climb out from here, but at least there is some kind of closure.
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
Cheers gents. To digress for a moment...
The kids and I had the same philosophy: the "Nonna" we knew departed years ago, effectively. What was left was just a shell of a person. Dementia fucking sucks, and it has been a long and often painful ride.
Mrs TA is of course, shattered. Despite living and breathing this for the last 5 years, and knowing the only outcome, it still hit hard. She was in the room when it happened, having spent several hours a day in the last week up there. That in itself - seeing another human die, especially your Mum - is going to fuck with you.
It'll be a slow climb out from here, but at least there is some kind of closure.
Sorry to hear mate. Hope the whanau is doing ok.
On the being in the room thing, while def a weird experience, I’d say that in time she’ll probably come to realise that she wouldn’t have had it any other way.
I missed my mum passing recently by about 2 hours which was a bit gutting at the time. She wasn’t speaking and you can never know how aware they are in that moment, but I’d still have liked to have been there. Looking back now with 6 weeks of hindsight though, I guess I’m more glad that we got some quality time a few weeks prior.
Def a strange thing to go through with the kids. First big loss for mine, so was interesting to watch how they process it. Sounds like both yours and mine had a long time to prepare for it, still hits them a bit when it actually happens though eh?
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