Bad/Lame Jokes
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My disabled girlfriend left me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Yeah. Guess who came crawling back.
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That has taken lame to a next level. Chapeau!
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Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Aye"
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'
Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”
Englishman: “Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doing all right."
Welshman: (look of shock)
Englishman: “Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: “How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Very good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”
Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welshman: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!”
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”
“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.
“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.
“I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”
“Certainly, sorry about that” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint. “It ‘s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?”
“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him “you’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”
“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”
So the next day when the Duck comes into the pub the barman says, “hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”
“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”
“At the circus,” says the barman.
“The circus?” repeats the duck.
“That’s right,” replies the barman.
“The circus?” the duck asks again. “With the big TENT?”
“Yeah,” the barman replies.
“With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?” says the duck.
“Of course,” the barman replies.
“And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.
“That’s right!” says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ..
“What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??
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@Victor-Meldrew said in Bad/Lame Jokes:
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”
“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.
“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.
“I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”
“Certainly, sorry about that” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint. “It ‘s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?”
“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him “you’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”
“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”
So the next day when the Duck comes into the pub the barman says, “hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”
“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”
“At the circus,” says the barman.
“The circus?” repeats the duck.
“That’s right,” replies the barman.
“The circus?” the duck asks again. “With the big TENT?”
“Yeah,” the barman replies.
“With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?” says the duck.
“Of course,” the barman replies.
“And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.
“That’s right!” says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ..
“What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??
Any joke which starts with a duck walking into a pub is gonna be a goody
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@MN5 said in Bad/Lame Jokes:
Any joke which starts with a duck walking into a pub is gonna be a goody
It took awhile to get to the wise quack.
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Sergeant: Private. I didn't see you at camouflage practice today.
Private: Thank you Sergeant.
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A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a costume party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a high-end costume store to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Enclosed please find a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will look exactly like a Pirate.The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note.
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Enclosed please find a Monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.Now the man is furious, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Enclosed please find a bottle of excellent grenadine syrup. We suggest you pour the red grenadine syrup over your bald head, let it harden, and then stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple. -
@Virgil said in Bad/Lame Jokes:
A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a costume party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a high-end costume store to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Enclosed please find a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will look exactly like a Pirate.The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note.
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Enclosed please find a Monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.Now the man is furious, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Enclosed please find a bottle of excellent grenadine syrup. We suggest you pour the red grenadine syrup over your bald head, let it harden, and then stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple.Is this even a joke ?
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@MN5 said in Bad/Lame Jokes:
@Virgil said in Bad/Lame Jokes:
A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a costume party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a high-end costume store to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Enclosed please find a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will look exactly like a Pirate.The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note.
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Enclosed please find a Monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.Now the man is furious, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Enclosed please find a bottle of excellent grenadine syrup. We suggest you pour the red grenadine syrup over your bald head, let it harden, and then stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple.Is this even a joke ?
the internet told me it was
why would it lie? -
@Virgil said in Bad/Lame Jokes:
@MN5 said in Bad/Lame Jokes:
@Virgil said in Bad/Lame Jokes:
A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a costume party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a high-end costume store to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Enclosed please find a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will look exactly like a Pirate.The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note.
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Enclosed please find a Monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.Now the man is furious, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Enclosed please find a bottle of excellent grenadine syrup. We suggest you pour the red grenadine syrup over your bald head, let it harden, and then stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple.Is this even a joke ?
the internet told me it was
why would it lie?Touche.
I'll stand corrected.
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@MN5 said in Bad/Lame Jokes:
@Virgil said in Bad/Lame Jokes:
@MN5 said in Bad/Lame Jokes:
@Virgil said in Bad/Lame Jokes:
A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a costume party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a high-end costume store to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Enclosed please find a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will look exactly like a Pirate.The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note.
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Enclosed please find a Monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.Now the man is furious, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Enclosed please find a bottle of excellent grenadine syrup. We suggest you pour the red grenadine syrup over your bald head, let it harden, and then stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple.Is this even a joke ?
the internet told me it was
why would it lie?Touche.
I'll stand corrected.
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